Archive for the 'Laugh Out Loud Posts' Category

Kosher “Organic Batter Blaster” vicariously attends the Hazon food conference

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My dear friends The Wandering Jew and David Levy over at Jewschool, sick with envy that they couldn’t attend the Hazon Food Conference this year, produced this tongue-in-cheek video to vicariously participate nonetheless. Please enjoy their playful snark as we consider how the hell this product fits into the eco-kashrut movement.

Ask the Shmethicist: WWMPD? (What Would Michael Pollan Do?)

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Oh dear readers, the Shmethicist has been AWOL for a while.  But now I’m back and better than ever (not unlike that pea soup that was even more delicious when we reheated the leftovers!).

Dear Shmethicist,

I am currently feeding a family of four (two adults, two toddlers) on a very small food budget ($150 a week).  A couple of years ago, my husband and I were able to buy all organic dairy and produce, and free range meats and eggs.  Now, it is a rarity.  Our costs are so tight, that even at $150 a week, we only cook nice dinners on Shabbat.

We have noticed a difference in how we feel and would absolutely love to do this again. We do not have our own yard in which to garden, which I would love to do someday.  There are several farms near here, but they are not open to the public (instead, they drive their goods to the farmers markets in the large city, which is over an hour away and which we cannot afford to drive to regularly, at $20 gas for the trip and $10 parking for the day).

Beet Haikus from the Scottsdale Hazon CSA

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Thanks to the Scottsdale Tuv Ha’Aretz Hazon CSA at the King David Jewish Community Day School for sharing these Beet Haikus! Look for a new contest soon!

Lower School Division

First Place (Tie)
Avery Polster (4th Grade):

Beets are delicious
Full of deep purples and reds
Great with jicama!

“A Jew’s Natural Weight is 400 Pounds.”

Thanks so much for this hilarious guest post from author Max Gross.  Besides being a dead ringer for the actor Seth Rogen, Max is a writer for the New York Post and the author of From Schub to Stud. He blogs at fromschlubtostud.com

Author Max Gross

If you haven’t seen Seth Rogen recently, you might be disappointed.

He looks really, uh, good.

Svelte. Clean shaven. Neat. Not the slobby stoner that schlubs like myself could identify with.

What the hell happened, Seth? (I have a special interest in Rogen’s slovenliness – his appearance in the movie Knocked Up inspired me to write my own treatise called From Schlub to Stud about how we are living in the golden age of slobby man-children.)

But apparently sometime in the last few months, in preparation for his role in The Green Hornet, he dropped what looks like a good 30 to 40 pounds. And I, for one, was worried that his good cheer might be wrapped up in his weight. The thing that was so endearing about Rogen was the fact that he was so unapologetic about his excesses — a little like a young, Jewish Jack Falstaff.

It turns out, my worries are (I think) unfounded. If you saw him on The Daily Show last week, you would note that his good cheer is still in tact. More than in tact — his wit seems as sharp as ever. And Rogen fully acknowledged the 800 pound gorilla in the room: Namely that it is tough for a fellow tribesman to deny himself the pleasures of the plate.

What’s in YOUR Mishloach Manot Basket?

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One custom I have always liked about Purim (aside from the drunken revelry, of course) is Mishloach Manot, those fun Jewish goodie-bags that people give to each other during this festive holiday.  It’s like Trick-Or-Treating in reverse:  the candy, wine, cookies, etc come to you -no need to go banging on any strangers’ doors.

Surfing Google, I came across a myriad of articles about what one should include in their Mishloach Manot baskets, including a rather heated discussion over “themed Mishloach Manot” on Hashkafah.com.  All these ideas got me thinking like a cunning marketer, and it occurred to me that there is an untapped market for “niche” Mishloach Manot.

So here are a few categories of potential Mishloach Manot ideas targeted to the interests of specific populations to help get this venture started.  (NOTE:  all items included result from intensive focus groups with members of each target audience.)

Twelve Months, Three Corners

I love the Purim season as much as the next Jew, but there is always one thing missing from my Purim hype: Hamantashen. It isn’t that I don’t like hamantashen.  On the contrary, I love hamantashen so much, I eat them all year round! This video is my (short) personal quest to find out if I’m the only one…

What is the Opposite of Locavore?

Maybe it is just me, but I find this product’s origin ambivalence hysterical.

Photo by Ivan Soto

Photo by Ivan Soto

Cookin’: The Show!

From friends and neighbors of mine, right here in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn - Cookin’.

Please note – I’ve rated these clips PG-13 for language…consider yourself warned!

Liz Alpern, publisher of New Voices magazine and Challah baker extraordinaire tells us a bit about Cookin’:

What’s Your (Jewish Food) Sign?

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With all the jokes about Jews loving Chinese food, it was only a matter of time before someone came up with a Jewish version of the Chinese zodiac calendar.  Now, by inputting your year of birth, you can find out which Jewish deli food (lox, bagel, black & white cookie…you get the picture) that you are cosmically aligned with.  Moreover, once you know your sign, you can (conveniently) purchase *stuff* with a picture of your sign on it.

Yes, We Peanut Butter!

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I always describe Bamba as “Israel’s Cheetos, with peanut butter instead of cheese.”  I can’t translate the line at the top of this Bamba package–help?–but it does refer to the States and the election.  An aleph and vav have been added to the name of the product, turning it from Bamba into Obamba.  Just thought I’d share.

(Can someone in Israel tell me if this is for real, and if they’re available in multiple flavors?)shabbat shalom

Waffle Bike

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Bikes. Waffles. Calls to worship. What could be more tailor-made for Hazon than that? Did I mention the factory farm chickens attached to the back of this baffling, waffling vehicle? The shotgun and machete attachments?

I just came across this strange short film today, and while I’m not sure what to make of its deadpan, tongue-in-cheek commentary on the state of the world’s food systems, violent religious conflicts and our over-reliance on technology, all I know is that it made me laugh, and it made me want waffles.

And that’s good enough for me.

Loco for Locavore: Bashing the Local Food Backlash


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Judging from some recent food journalism, using spurious logic to rationalize the choice not to eat ethically is as easy as slathering a mound of Jif Creamy onto a slice of Wonder Bread.

For example, Portland, Oregon is a great city for green living. Maybe that’s why the Oregonian, our newspaper, recently started a weekly green living column — although with dubious results. The inaugural piece was about how to not feel guilty when you *don’t* buy organic. The gist of the article was that as long as you avoid the “Dirty Dozen” – the twelve foods most contaminated with pesticides — you’re a-okay. As columnist Shelby Wood giddily reported:

With the Dirty Dozen in mind, I paid the $1 premium for organic spinach (No. 11 on the Environmental Working Group’s list) at the grocery last week. But I saved $1 on conventional broccoli (No. 35) and 20 cents a pound on bananas (No. 37). After all, I’ve been eating those for 34 years. And I’m not dead yet.

Great job, Shelby. Perhaps you’d like to celebrate by investing that $1.20 you saved on some low-tar cigarettes.

What Does a Vegan Zombie Eat?

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Grainnns! Thanks to Saul Kaiserman for alerting us to our new favorite “potential” t-shirt over at Threadless. Of course, the obligatory follow up question is, what does a Jewish zombie eat? Chrainnnn?

Oreo vs. Hydrox

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If you haven’t yet seen the “things white people like,” website – well it’s probably best not to admit it to anyone and just sneak a peek here. The unavoidable “things Jewish people like” spin-offs (here and here) are pretty great too – not surprisingly, “buffets” top the list.

One of the lists claims that Jewish people like “taking sides on the Hydrox/Oreo debate.” Yeah…yeah, it’s true.