My dear friends The Wandering Jew and David Levy over at Jewschool, sick with envy that they couldn’t attend the Hazon Food Conference this year, produced this tongue-in-cheek video to vicariously participate nonetheless. Please enjoy their playful snark as we consider how the hell this product fits into the eco-kashrut movement.

Oh dear readers, the Shmethicist has been AWOL for a while.  But now I’m back and better than ever (not unlike that pea soup that was even more delicious when we reheated the leftovers!).

Dear Shmethicist,

I am currently feeding a family of four (two adults, two toddlers) on a very small food budget ($150 a week).  A couple of years ago, my husband and I were able to buy all organic dairy and produce, and free range meats and eggs.  Now, it is a rarity.  Our costs are so tight, that even at $150 a week, we only cook nice dinners on Shabbat.

We have noticed a difference in how we feel and would absolutely love to do this again. We do not have our own yard in which to garden, which I would love to do someday.  There are several farms near here, but they are not open to the public (instead, they drive their goods to the farmers markets in the large city, which is over an hour away and which we cannot afford to drive to regularly, at $20 gas for the trip and $10 parking for the day).

With the only food access regular grocery stores and the occasional (every 2-3 months) Costco trip, how do you make the best (ethically and healthy) choices?  If you can only afford 1 organic thing out of your grocery trip, should it be eggs, poultry (free range is almost always too expensive ($10 for two breasts!), we have been buying frozen Foster Farms chicken breasts from Costco), beef (we rarely eat beef because of price, and when we do it is a pot roast on sale or from Costco), milk (this we always splurge on organic, because my kids love milk), or produce?

What are some money-saving tips at the grocery store (or at home, I can cook) that would allow for more organic and ethical purchases, and healthier meals for my family?

Signed,

Hungry for Help

Dear Hungry,

Healthy, ethical, and affordable—alas, not an occasion when even the most heartfelt rendition of “Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad,” will do the trick.

I’m pretty sure that Meat Loaf wasn’t kosher, organic, or healthy, actually.

Your question raises a number of shmethical dilemmas.

For one thing, as I have noted elsewhere, we should buy organic produce not merely to protect ourselves from harmful chemical exposure (that’s just the pareve icing on the cake), but to protect farm workers and their families, since they are the ones suffering most from Big Agra’s long-term love affair with toxins.

For another thing, your question about how to prioritize organic purchases suggests that there is some logical way to make such a choice.  Which there isn’t.  Because really, no one knows for sure the long-term effects of choosing organic milk versus rBGH-free, non-organic milk, versus  “conventional milk” (that last phrase being one that only makes sense if you happen to believe there is something charmingly customary about farm animals being kept in confined spaces, fed who knows what, and pumped with antibiotics and artificial hormones).

Why doesn’t anyone know about the relative long-term effects?  That, at least, is a question I can answer:  Because the folks who (nominally) regulate our food supply haven’t cared to find out.

Which means pretty much the entire state of Nevada couldn’t lay accurate odds on what your one best organic purchase (milk? eggs? meat? produce?) might be.

Nevertheless, I am the Shmethicist, and as such, am ready to tell you what to do.  Or at least to suggest some ways to make choices that will have you and your family feeling good in as many ways as possible.

Although my meat-loving lover may not want to admit it, one of the best ways to dine ethically, healthily, and cheaply is to give up meat.  Doing it now, when your kids are too young to notice, can mean a lifetime of easier food choices for them.

I realize that “give up” sounds so, well, deprivational.  But actually healthy food choices don’t always have to involve sacrifices.

Or at least, not sacrifices that you’ll regret.  Last year, I got a little freaked about the chemical exposure inherent in eating canned foods.  So my would-be carnivore and I ate our way through the larder (note to self:  should I be calling that the Crisoer?) and then stopped buying canned foods.  With legumes as our at-home dietary staple, that’s meant a lot of time in the bulk aisle, scooping up dried beans.  Which I’ve now realized are cheaper, tastier, healthier (because we control the sodium content) and (because they’re shipped at a much lighter weight than cooked beans) better for the environment.

Besides bulk bin bean-ocentric begetarianism (oops, guess I went a little boverboard on the balliteration),you should also making your dreams of future gardening come true today.  If you fashion yourself a Che Guevarberg, try some guerilla gardening. If you’re not ready to join the underground just yet, you can always spy out some unused land in your community and ask the owner if you can have permission to turn it into a food plot; offering to share your bounty may sweeten the deal.  But if you, like your dear Shmethicist, have a chronically brown thumb (seriously, am I the only one who ever planted zucchini and produced not a single succulent squash?), log onto Local Harvest and check for a CSA near you.

Even if all you have is a sunny spot somewhere around (or inside) your house or apartment, try growing a few fresh herbs.  I’ve already managed to kill my basil and my mint (it’s a weed and still it is shriveling and dying . . . seriously, how bad a gardener can I be?), but even I have managed to sustain rosemary, thyme, sage, and parsley.  All of which make any home-cooked dish taste superdeluxe.

The more you cook from scratch, the more you can control cost and assure the healthiness of ingredients.  And as produce is plentiful this summer, you might try preserving things to enjoy year round.

Okay, let’s face it, I’m a Jewish girl from Long Island.  I’m about as likely to can vegetables as the Pope is to order from the Glatt kosher menu at CitiPark.  But I do know that the extension arm of the state university here in the Oregon Territories has great tips for home canning (which doesn’t even involve cans, good news for keeping the BPAs at bay), and thus I heartily pass that idea along, in case you need something to do while I proceed to belt out Side B of Bat Out of Hell, which has been catching in my head lo these many paragraphs.

Meanwhile, dear readers, any other tips for Hungry for Help?

Or other questions entirely for the Shmethicist?  Cause I’ve got a whole lot more 70s rock I’m itching to quote.

Thanks to the Scottsdale Tuv Ha’Aretz Hazon CSA at the King David Jewish Community Day School for sharing these Beet Haikus! Look for a new contest soon!

Lower School Division

First Place (Tie)
Avery Polster (4th Grade):

Beets are delicious
Full of deep purples and reds
Great with jicama!

First Place (Tie)
Marcus Finks (4th Grade)

Beets aren’t so yucky
And their not like thick putty
My mom likes them, too.

Middle School Division

First Place
Daniel Shuster 6th grade

A red vegetable?
I do not know what they are.
I will Google them.

Adult Division

First Place
Susan Finks

I’m in the kitchen
Looks like I’m caught red-handed
Making borscht from scratch.

Honorable Mention
Lisa Pinkus

beets still in my fridge
what am I going to do?
how long ’til mold grows?

More Entries:

Alan Finks

Delicious red beets
They lie steaming on my plate
Pudding for desert?

Sam & Galit Rosen

Red Beets are so sweet
Yellow a bit more subtle
Greens with garlic – mmm…

Beets boiled ’till soft
Goat Cheese, olive oil, lemon
salt, pepper, garlic

David Pinkus

Do not be upset
’cause I love the CSA
But please no more beets

Have a beet haiku to share? Leave it in the comments!

If you haven’t seen Seth Rogen recently, you might be disappointed.

He looks really, uh, good.

Svelte. Clean shaven. Neat. Not the slobby stoner that schlubs like myself could identify with.

What the hell happened, Seth? (I have a special interest in Rogen’s slovenliness – his appearance in the movie Knocked Up inspired me to write my own treatise called From Schlub to Stud about how we are living in the golden age of slobby man-children.)

But apparently sometime in the last few months, in preparation for his role in The Green Hornet, he dropped what looks like a good 30 to 40 pounds. And I, for one, was worried that his good cheer might be wrapped up in his weight. The thing that was so endearing about Rogen was the fact that he was so unapologetic about his excesses — a little like a young, Jewish Jack Falstaff.

It turns out, my worries are (I think) unfounded. If you saw him on The Daily Show last week, you would note that his good cheer is still in tact. More than in tact — his wit seems as sharp as ever. And Rogen fully acknowledged the 800 pound gorilla in the room: Namely that it is tough for a fellow tribesman to deny himself the pleasures of the plate.

“A Jew’s natural weight is 400 pounds,” Rogen declared. Anyone under 400 should be commended for keeping himself under control. (Hear, hear!)

And as Rogen and Stewart banter back and forth, the conversation veers towards the Jewish obsession with food.

Why is it, both men ask, that Jews can recall a plum that they ate in 1983, with such relish?

A fascinating question, with many possible answers. I would argue that it is an obsession that has lasted since the Jews learned to walk upright. Sure, you might hear little tidbits in the various histories about feasting (and purging) Ancient Romans — but they didn’t have the same elaborate set of rules that the Jews constructed around food. It is clearly something that has been on our minds for many centuries.

Stewart and Rogen didn’t get into that. They only acknowledged that there is a real obsession. But it’s good to know that the slim, good-looking Rogen looks like he has food still very much on the brain. Thank goodness. I just hope he puts the weight back on, fast.

One custom I have always liked about Purim (aside from the drunken revelry, of course) is Mishloach Manot, those fun Jewish goodie-bags that people give to each other during this festive holiday.  It’s like Trick-Or-Treating in reverse:  the candy, wine, cookies, etc come to you -no need to go banging on any strangers’ doors.

Surfing Google, I came across a myriad of articles about what one should include in their Mishloach Manot baskets, including a rather heated discussion over “themed Mishloach Manot” on Hashkafah.com.  All these ideas got me thinking like a cunning marketer, and it occurred to me that there is an untapped market for “niche” Mishloach Manot.

So here are a few categories of potential Mishloach Manot ideas targeted to the interests of specific populations to help get this venture started.  (NOTE:  all items included result from intensive focus groups with members of each target audience.)

Feel free to use some of the items listed in your own Mishloach Manot baskets, and add your own suggestions in the comments!

1.  Altercockers (or “Geriatrics”)

One word:  prunes.

2.  College Students

Ramen Noodles (Gefen and Tradition sells kosher, Oriental Style versions)

Red Bull and/or Starbucks Frappuccino bottles

Organic cannabis

Prune-flavored condoms (to make them remember to call their grandparents — see previous category)

3.  Environmentalists

Compact fluorescent bulbs (someone actually posed the idea of “marzipan candy in the shape of compact fluorescent bulbs” in the Hashkafah.com forum linked above).

Worms for their compost bins

Sustainably-made Hamentaschen or other treats (see this post)

4. Israelis

Hummus-filled Hamentaschen

Noisemakers…err, then again, they probably are loud enough without them

5.  Non-Jews

Matzah (just tell them “Purim” is another word for “Passover”)

Might as well throw a Menorah in there, as well

A few plastic Easter eggs to show Jews can be supportive of their holidays, too

Please note – I’ve rated these clips PG-13 for language…consider yourself warned!

Liz Alpern, publisher of New Voices magazine and Challah baker extraordinaire tells us a bit about Cookin’:

Cookin’ is the place where love of music meets reclaiming the kitchen. The result is a step-by-step guide to making simple, healthy delicious recipes in very little time, all while keeping your budget under control. Shot on-site in Brooklyn, Cookin’ is a reaction to all those folks, especially New Yorkers, who have strayed from food preparation and subsequently, all the joys that come with it. Cookin’ wants you to roll up your sleeves and turn up the volume…

Enjoy the recession special chili, the spring rolls, the shakshuka and even the pilot challah recipe. Stay tuned for more episodes to come.

Now if anyone wants to come up with a Kosher version (?????, eggs, toast, butter) of that catchy song (My Struggles by Missy Elliott featuring Mary J. Blige & Grand Puba), let me know…

With all the jokes about Jews loving Chinese food, it was only a matter of time before someone came up with a Jewish version of the Chinese zodiac calendar.  Now, by inputting your year of birth, you can find out which Jewish deli food (lox, bagel, black & white cookie…you get the picture) that you are cosmically aligned with.  Moreover, once you know your sign, you can (conveniently) purchase *stuff* with a picture of your sign on it.

Personally, I’m a little bit annoyed/amazed by the continuing onslaught of Judeo-kitsch out there in the world.  Doesn’t that sort of thing get old to anyone else but me?  Then again, maybe I’m just cynical because I’m a blintz.  (It figures…)

Get the whole dish and find out your sign here.

(hat tip Daniel Belasco)

I always describe Bamba as “Israel’s Cheetos, with peanut butter instead of cheese.”  I can’t translate the line at the top of this Bamba package–help?–but it does refer to the States and the election.  An aleph and vav have been added to the name of the product, turning it from Bamba into Obamba.  Just thought I’d share.

(Can someone in Israel tell me if this is for real, and if they’re available in multiple flavors?)shabbat shalom