Comments on: Is This a Sustainable Relationship?

By: Judith

Judith — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 23:31:09 +0000

Are you familiar with the Myers Briggs personality test based on Carl Jung’s work? According to it, people take in information in large part either through their senses or through their intuition. Serious foodies are usually sensors. Maybe Ari is an intuit? It’s just as valid a way of being as sensing.

The good news is right around middle age, many of us get bored with what comes easily and naturally to us and we strive to develop the opposite gift. So there’s hope for Ari! If not now, then maybe when he hits 40 or 50. And maybe he can help you explore the world more intuitively.

Sounds like a sweet guy. All the best to you both.

By: Jill

Jill — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 21:52:15 +0000

I say, give Ari a chance. If he is willing to learn about and try new foods, you might be the perfect teacher. If, on the other hand, he shows no interest and won’t even try new foods, forget it. You will only end up frustrated and angry.

By: Nom nom nom

Nom nom nom — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 20:47:20 +0000

I don’t have the slightest clue as to why you two can’t budding soul mates can’t prosper. (I suspect an underlying problem, you excuse-maker you). You clearly are stressing something that shouldn’t be a priority. Maybe he doesn’t like to eat in front of you? As a girl, you should be familiar with this one. Or, maybe he’s intimidated by your omnipotent food knowledge? What did you say you made at the DP (dinner party, not death camp), Curried goat testicles? Perhaps you should’ve been more considerate of your high-brow food inept mate. Something along the lines of deep fried fill-in-the-blank. Anwa*, you need to reassess your assessment.

*Anyway. Say it, it’s fun. ANWAAAA.

By: Yvo

Yvo — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 15:48:38 +0000

Fern – while I agree there’s no need to share all hobbies or interests, I think her concern is based on his total aversion to certain foodstuffs that she likes and perhaps his unwillingness to explore food a bit. It’s very difficult to overcome a meal sharing issue like this if one person is stubborn or, say, has dietary restrictions. I’ve heard tales of vegetarians and omnivores having wonderful lives together, but sometimes, especially at such an early stage in a relationship, she has to decide if she wants to forge ahead or not…

By: Yvo

Yvo — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 15:45:51 +0000

Hello there, I saw a link from Culinate and here I am, adding my own 2 cents. I am not Jewish nor is my boyfriend, but I don’t think that matters (I skimmed very briefly some of the comments and that seems to be part of the site’s focus, I guess?). I’ve been with him for just over 5 years. I was developing my foodie-ness when we met, but I’ve always loved food, been obsessive about food. I grew up in a very food-based household (parents both cook well, I started cooking at a young age, birthdays celebrated with bday person’s choice of meal, which I thought was totally normal but apparently other households chose activities versus foods), show your love via food kind of deal. I am now a full fledged obsessed about all things food kind of person.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, grew up eating pizza and fast food. Someone above said something about everyone loving Mexican – meet my boyfriend, who doesn’t care for it (Taco Bell?). He would be happy eating McDonald’s every night. Pizza. Whatever. He eats boxed macaroni & cheese – I once made stove top macaroni & cheese for him, from scratch, with quality ingredients, and he still prefers the boxed stuff. He doesn’t have a pantry, not even containing what you said above, maybe a few boxes of Easy Mac *shudder*. BUT. When we first met, I was surprised at how many things I ate that he wouldn’t. All things that never occurred to me someone would balk at the thought of eating. Certain meats, fishes (he claims to not eat any seafood), all this delicious food that was behind a locked door for him. He didn’t grow up the way I did, embracing food. Dinner was an after thought in his household.

Over the course of 5 years, I’m extremely proud to say, he has opened that door bit by bit. He’s still not a foodie, and doubtful ever will be, since food is still more of an afterthought to his skinny self, but he is willing to try most things. After this long together, the idea is if I’m eating it, it must be because it tastes good, so he will try almost anything (exceptions are if it’s particularly ugly, or smells bad, but I’m not really into most food that smells horrible). I would have even said a year ago that he won’t eat it if it’s ingredient-wise something that he doesn’t think he’ll like or that sounds … strange (intestines, chicken feet), but in the past 2 months alone I’ve seen him, unprompted by me!!!, put various food items in his mouth to try. I am impressed constantly by his ever-growing willingness to reach out and try new food items. He was a bit difficult in the beginning, but because food wasn’t important to him, and it WAS important to ME (who IS important to HIM), I feel he’s purposely tried to open his mind up a bit. I’m sure my um, somewhat aggressive personality (”Just try it. Please. Just try two bites, if you don’t like it, I won’t make this anymore. I promise. JUST. TRY. IT.”) had something to do with it, but lately, it’s been of his own volition, and that’s something I really, really appreciate.
Oh, and keeping food network on almost constantly helped a bit too ;)
Hope this helps – if you like him, and he seems open, then it’s workable! (At least he didn’t completely refuse to eat anything on the table at your wonderful Moroccan themed feast!)

PS I should note, however, that at this point in life, were we to break up, I know now that I would not date anyone with food restrictions next. Is that confusing? I’m a total omnivore, and someone who’s not the least bit willing to explore food with me is a deal breaker. Vegans, vegetarians, super picky people need not apply.

By: Rabbi Shmuel

Rabbi Shmuel — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 12:04:13 +0000

Fern – you and your husband should come hang with us – I use to take my wife to concerts and even when I would introduce her to the players (e.g Eric Clapton, George Harrison) she really wasn’t all that interested! – I sit on Sundays playing the old 1927 Martin archtop and she just enjoys listening – I love working in the garden and she just enjoys cooking and eating the fresh produce – so you can find common ground without your significant other becoming a clone!

By: Fern

Fern — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 06:54:18 +0000

As someone happily married to a who shares few of my interests/hobbies, I highly recommend overlooking Ari’s lack of foodie-ness. Look for someone who treats you and others nicely, who is responsible, who you enjoy spending time with, and who has the same core values as you do. Everything else is unimportant.

My husband collects vintage guitars and basses, is an amazing musician and a Beatles encyclopedia. I can’t carry a tune and the only things I know about guitars or the Beatles I learned from him. Likewise, I love photography and reading and gardening. My husband’s only interest in those three things is because they interest me. My idea of a great Sunday afternoon involves waking up early, tending to my plants and then spending the afternoon browsing through a used book store. That’s my husband’s idea of hell. He’d rather scour Craigslist for guitars that are undervalued. We are incredibly happy together.

Need I say more?

Okay, I have more to say. I might even go so far as to say that it is better to marry someone with different interests than you. If you were both foodies, there might be competition between the two of you as to who is the “better foodie” or who should decide what gourmet dish to serve at some important dinner party. But this way, you’ll always be the expert when it comes to food, and you’ll always get your way when creating dinner party menus.

By: Alix

Alix — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 00:25:07 +0000

I love this post. Many years ago, I made a friend (who is still a close friend) who made it clear he was interested in more than just friendship. He ate no ethnic food whatsoever. I was a vegetarian, he kept kosher, so his restaurant of choice would be a kosher fleishig one so he could eat meat, and I could eat nothing. He called Chinese food “slop on a plate.” He could maybe *maybe* name three vegetables that he liked. Given that I had recently moved to New York, and loved ethnic food of all sorts (and didn’t keep kosher) I thought if we dated we’d constantly battle over where to eat. I couldn’t envision the relationship for other reasons as well, but the food thing was a big one. Even now, when I visit New York and see him, we have a tough time agreeing where to eat since he likes almost nothing.
Meanwhile, I always assumed I would marry a vegetarian. Guess what, my husband of two-plus years tried being a veggie some years ago and realized it just wasn’t for him. He is as carnivorous as they come. I have bended on my no-meat-in-the-house rules (he has his separate skillet and dishes, and anything goes on the grill) but what’s key in making it work is that he loves good vegetarian food as well. Many meat-eaters can’t be happy unless there’s a hunk of flesh on their plate, and he is definitely not like that. He also loves ethnic food of all varieties, just like I do, so choosing a restaurant is never a problem. We have enough in common food-wise that it works.
As for you and Ari, I do think it could be a red flag, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be one. Unlike some of the other commenters, I refuse to judge and say that you are finding reasons to prevent you from finding love. I will say that my husband is nothing like who I thought I *should* marry or be with. And yet it really works. So who knows?

By: Mia Rut

Mia Rut — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 23:07:07 +0000

Thanks for the thoughts and the many stories. Like any relationship there is, of course, many more layers than what I shared above (or would care to share on a blog!) Although I do think different pallets alone would not be reason enough to abandon an otherwise happy relationship, Ari’s frequent use of the the word “fear” when discussing food is cause for pause.

But he has been quite a good sport in most of this (even this blog post). For a guy who grew up keeping kosher he quite was quite willing to taste his first cheeseburger with me (although for the record he stopped keeping kosher before meeting me) and now craves them.

And I do want to find the things he likes. I’m also happy to cook some of his favorite foods (he his mom makes a killer tongue cooked in pickling spices that I would be more than happy to acquire the recipe for).

At the end of the day we must both be into the relationship. Perhaps Asher is right and I’m finding excuses to not become fully emotionally invested. Perhaps Ari’s “fear” of my cooking is really fear of commitment. Either way, I do want to be with someone who wants to be with me – even in my kitchen.

By: The Shmethicist

The Shmethicist — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 22:55:56 +0000

As an advice columnist, a 28 year pescetarian in an 18 year relationship with a sausage lover, and an all around yenta, you know I have to stick in my two cents.

One of the secrets of making a relationship last for the long haul is that you have to grow together, or else you grow apart.

Does that mean you have to teach him to love the foods you love? Not necessarily. (It could if he wanted to learn, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Just like if he were an expert on NASCAR, you learning the various records of every driver on the circuit wouldn’t be necessary, unless through some freakish coincidence you actually wanted to do that).

What it does mean is that you have to find some common ways to grow together. Maybe you should spend an afternoon at an art gallery. Or go see a great foreign film then discuss it during a walk in the park, instead of always dating over meals. Cause honey, you’ve got a lot invested in food. And if you have decided to make it a bar for him (or any potential date) to meet or exceed, you may not be headed into the relationship the best way.

Is it possible to find someone who adores having you cook/select great restaurants? Yup. And if that’s what you’re looking for, drop Ari and post a new personal ad now. But if you’re looking to be more than the food maven, well, stop obsessing about what a food maven you are.