The month of May is a particularly hard one for me. It was at this time five years ago that my mother was in the last month of her life. The cancer that she had fought off twice before successfully, returned in August 2001 for the third and final time. Between the cancer’s recurrence and 9/11, which happened a few weeks later, I remember feeling like my whole world had changed.
By December, her doctors told us it was terminal, and she died on May 25, 2002 — Friday night of the start of Memorial Day Weekend that year.
Those six months were without question the most difficult of my life, which is why May is so damn hard. Between all the marketing schemes for Mother’s Day and her yarzeit, I feel like May has become one big month-long reminder that I no longer have a mom.
I have made peace with her death for the most part, but yes, I can still get a little bitter sometimes.
I remember my dad saying one of the hardest reminders for him of her absence was the almost-empty refrigerator. When my mom was alive, it was always bursting with delicious food – both about to be made and leftovers.
My dad sent me some of my mom’s handmade cookbooks recently. She clipped recipes out of newspapers and magazines, and pasted them into those old-school black and white notebooks that say “Compositions” on the front. It is hard to go through them, realizing that I never see her handwriting anymore.
These cookbooks are mostly useless to me; for one thing, there is a preponderance of veal recipes (while my mom certainly enjoyed her veal, I don’t remember her making it that often…). I think she sometimes was a little overzealous in her clipping, too. Many of these recipes I don’t think she ever made. But every once in awhile there is a gem that I used to love.
One is “Laura Goodenough’s Apple Coffeecake.” My mom clipped this one out of a newspaper (I wish I knew the date) and it became one of her favorites. A few years ago, my dad realized he missed it, and rather than thumbing through her notebooks, I easily found the recipe online. I somehow remembered “Laura Goodenough,” which made it super-easy to find. Who Laura Goodenough was, I have no idea (a web search brings up a “Florence Laura Goodenough, a famous psychologist), but this deliciously moist apple cake is sure yummy (I guess a cup of oil will do that).
And then there’s all that sugar. And white flour. Please don’t tell my healthy cooking school that I just posted this recipe.

Laura Goodenough’s Apple Coffeecake
6 apples, pared, cored and sliced (3 cups)
5 Tbs plus 2 cups sugar
5 tsp. cinnamon
3 cups flour
3 tsp. baking powder
1 Tbs. salt
1 cup salad oil
4 eggs
¼ cup orange juice
1 Tbs. vanilla

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
2. Combine the apples, 5 Tbs. sugar and cinnamon and set aside.
3. Sift the flour, remaining sugar, baking powder and salt into a bowl. Make a well in the center and pour in the oil, eggs, orange juice and vanilla.
4. Beat with a wooden spoon until well blended.
5. Spoon one-third of the batter into a greased 9-inch or 10-inch angel food pan. Make a ring of half of the apple mixture drained of excess moisture on top, taking care not to have the apple mixture touching the side of the pan.
6. Spoon another third of the batter over, make a ring of remaining apples and top with remaining batter. Bake one and a quarter hours or until done. Cover top with aluminum foil if it begins to overbrown.
7. Allow to cool to lukewarm in pan before turning out onto a serving plate. This cake can also be made with fresh peaches.

A few friends have asked how I plan to mark mom’s yarzeit this year. I haven’t decided yet, but maybe making some of her favorite dishes is a good start.
Do you ever make a special dish to remind you of a person who is no longer with us?