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Remind Me Why We’re Doing This?

by · November 25th, 2009
Holidays, Personal Story, Shabbat

(Originally posted here)

I have something to admit: My family thinks Thanksgiving is a big let-down.

I realize this is about as close to blasphemy as you can get in American culture. Give me a chance to explain, and to offer a solution.

Facing the hard cold facts, my family and I do *A LOT* of Jewish celebrating through the year. From Passover (which is at the top of our list) to Sukkot, and all the various moments in-between like Rosh Hashanah, Hanukkah, Shavuot and even Tu B’Shvat) we typically have a special celebration almost once a month. Then there’s the big daddy of Jewish holidays: Shabbat. It should be pretty obvious to anyone who visits The Edible Torah why THAT’S a big deal at our house. Finally, let’s not overlook Havdallah, the other dessert holiday.

Each of these celebrations comes with a special meal, and most have special foods associated with them. Each celebration also has it’s own significance, and rituals that go along with it. There are always candles to light, blessings to be said. There are moments to be remembered – defeats to live down, mistakes to learn from, and triumphs to warm our hearts. There are stories to tell – from Torah, from Talmud, from Midrash both ancient and new. We Jews have invented rituals both silly and somber to mark these times; parables and dinner table plays appropriate to children and the child in all of us; readings from our texts and our lives that catch in our throats. We choke down horseradish, lick honey off the covers of books, beat the person next to us with green onions, stick raisins in our challah, and set off smoke alarms frying all manner of things in oil.

Which brings us back to Thanksgiving.

About 3 years ago, because of our schedule and those of our family and friends, we found ourselves having a quiet little Turkey-day with just my wife and I and our 4 kids. As we prepared the various dishes, my older kids kept asking what the theme was. “No theme.” we reminded them. We set the dining room table, laid out the food, and called everyone in. Nobody sat down, and the kids looked at me, waiting for me to talk about the Torah portion.

“Where da candles?” asked the 3 year old. “No candles, buddy,” I told him. “It’s Thanksgiving, not Shabbat.”

My wife and I talked with the kids about being thankful, about the story of the colonizing of America and some of the hardship those first settlers from Europe encountered. But you could tell from their expressions that this was more like a fictional story than history. I quickly realized that “hungry” had overcome “curious”, and we tabled (no pun intended) the discussion in favor of sampling all the food we’d worked to create during the day.

As we were cleaning up my 11 year old  expressed a feeling I’ve heard from many friends on Thanksgiving: “I’m glad we only do this once a year,”

…but she followed it up with, “and I’m glad we get to have Shabbat every week instead.”

There’s an episode of Roseanne (OK, go ahead and roll your eyes) where they are standing around the table, and Roseanne says “We oughtta say something about being thankful or a prayer or something”. In the end, nobody knows what to say, and they just dig into the food. I remember thinking as I watched that it wasn’t a funny scene, but it was very honest, because I have experienced Thanksgivings where the same thing happened, more or less, for real.

I wonder how many families this year will, as they are faced with a moment of celebration, find themselves at a loss for what to say or do?

Why are talking donkeys and 5,000 year old Patriarchs and Matriarchs more real to my children than Pilgrims who helped found the country where they live?

Part of the reason surely is emphasis in the home. We live with Shabbat as a weekly visitor in our home, whereas Thanksgiving is just that holiday that sits awkwardly between Halloween and Hanukkah. Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Rebeccah and the rest of the ancient Jew Crew are part of our daily discussion. Pocahontas and her story is a movie from Disney (and a frustratingly inaccurate one at that).

But that’s only part of the reason, I think. The other reason why the Jewish moments seem so accessible is precisely because they are structured. From family to family we as Jews may individually decide what we will or won’t do and observe, but there is clarity for the list of options for any given celebration. Yom Tov candles are lit here. Kol Nidre recited there. You don’t recite “al ha-nissim” on Passover. You don’t light the Hanukkah on Tu B’shevat.

What do we say at the Thanksgiving table? Beyond the turkey and trimmings, what phrases are obligatory, which are options? We don’t know. In the face of the ambiguity, even Fourth of July is more concrete in our understanding of how we observe it.

If you find yourself, this coming Thursday, frustrated with a lack of ceremony, I encourage you to look at the 3 different “seders” created by Phillis Somer (Ima on and off the Bima) here on her website.

Or invent your own, and comment below on how it went.

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9 Responses to “Remind Me Why We’re Doing This?”

  1. Queenscook Says:
    November 25th, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    I’m sorry, but I find it sad that the author seems to reject Thanksgiving because there are no set prayers, observances, etc. Do we so lack our own creativity that we have to have set prayers? Why does there have to be a Thanksgiving seder? Why can’t we just thank God like we do every other day of the year, and enjoy our turkey, or tofu, or whatever we eat, and just have a nice day with family, friends, alone, whatever? Let the prayers and observances remain where they deserve to remain–in our Judaic world–and stop trying to make everything else into Judaism. Let me be clear . . . I am not saying that we should take God out of the picture. God forbid! I just don’t see why we have to try to turn Thanksgiving into a Jewish holiday when it isn’t one.

  2. Ariela Says:
    November 25th, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    I work at a Jewish preschool, and the question of what we wanted to tranmitt about the story of Thanksgiving was controversial for us. I am impressed by how often Jews, as an exiled nation, forget about other exiled peoples. Thanksgiving is the beginning of the exile and genocide of millions of indigenous people and the undermining of their language, ritual, and lifeways.
    For 3-4 year-olds, as well as for all of us, what is relevant about the story of thanksgiving is the story of what happens when some are willing to share, and others are not. This is a dynamic we work with at preschool every day and every government and every society lives this dynamic out through its policy and practice. Thanksgiving day, for many people in this country, is Thingstaken day. It is not a celebratory day, it is a tragic day with a powerful story.

    Torah, as well as history, hands us difficult stories, not easy cream-colored stories, to grapple with, and to challenge our values. If we want to make THanksgiving “Jewish,” we can extend our sense of nationhood, tribe, and love of culture to recognize the injustice upon which this country was built and how we can learn from that in our life. How do we really share a toy, a land, privilege, love, struggle?

  3. Morah Mary Says:
    November 26th, 2009 at 10:31 am

    In our house, it IS a Jewish holiday – after all, we are Jews and we celebrate the holiday. We light candles, saying “shel yom tov,” recite “b’rei pr’i hagafen” and “hamotzi” over the rolls (covered with our hallah cover. We talk about family and friends, blessings in our lives, and ways to express our gratitude. Many of the psalms include gratitude, as well as an appreciation for the physical world around us.

    I guess it depends on how one looks at it!

  4. Uriel Says:
    November 27th, 2009 at 12:46 am

    I thoroughly enjoyed this post and I identify with your feelings on Thanksgiving, Leon. We have such rich, beautiful, meaningful traditions and celebrations in Judaism, even on a weekly basis, that it’s hard to identify with a random “thanks-giving” holiday, especially with such questionable origins, as Ariela noted.

    Today, I found myself thinking essentially the same thought as your daughter: Thank G-d we have shabbat, and I feel a little bad for all the people who don’t have shabbat and only experience a little bit of what it’s like on days like Thanksgiving.

  5. Home Shuling Says:
    November 27th, 2009 at 10:12 am

    While the original European immigrants lacked something in they way of etiquette, shall we say, how can we, as American Jews, not see meaning in a holiday that honors the theme of moving to America in pursuit of religious freedom ? We read Molly’s Pilgrim and Rivka’s First Thanksgiving this week to bring home the point and read the “Freedom’s Feast” 10 minute ceremony before motzi.

    Also, at the day school where I teach, we spent Wednesday morning making food for the local soup kitchen. I spoke with kids about how, from the time of the Beit Hamikdash, it’s been a Jewish obligation to share what you have as a way of giving thanks. Not being able to find a good Jewish kid’s book about this made me think this should be the topic for my next one…..

  6. Bobbie Says:
    November 28th, 2009 at 1:42 am

    The last few years we’ve celebrated Thursday of Thanksgiving weekend with my husband’s (not Jewish) family, and the “second night,” Shabbat, with my family. Both are satisfying in their own way!

  7. Hannah Lee Says:
    November 29th, 2009 at 6:24 am

    Thanksgiving is my favorite American holiday– I love it for its uplifting focus on giving thanks (compared to the other American holiday traditions of getting drunk, sending anonymous love greetings, and demanding sweets from strangers). I appreciate the lack of ritual, although many families have a set menu of favorite foods. As for my family’s tradition, years ago I started a Thanksgiving book to record our comments. It’s hard for some people to articulate any free-form words of thanks (but a regular habit makes it easier). This year, my daughter did not come home for this holiday, but she missed the Thanksgiving book, so her father suggested that she e-mail her contribution to us. BTW, I have friends who celebrate Thanksgiving on Friday night, to avoid eating two calorie-laden festive meals.

  8. beth Says:
    November 30th, 2009 at 12:25 am

    Just got back from Thanksgiving weekend with my partner’s parents in Northern California.
    We hiked the shoreline paths near their house.
    We delivered meals to elderly folks who were housebound, a tradition my in-laws have embraced wholeheartedly since retiring to their little town.
    Then we went home and all made dinner together, the four of us kibbitzing and joking and laughing as we bumped elbows in the cramped little kitchen.
    When we sat down to eat the meal we’d prepared together, we skipped the “history” and instead we just told each other what we were thankful for.
    For each of us, our blessings began and ended with family.
    I can’t imagine a nicer way to observe Thanksgiving than by walking in gratitude with people I love.

  9. Rebecca Says:
    December 3rd, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    I also find this to be a sad article. Thanksgiving is a great holiday and why does every holiday need to be Jewish to be special? I always say that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because the holiday belongs to EVERYONE in America, no matter what their religion. You can freely say, “Happy Thanksgiving!” to the mail man, the store clerk, etc. and you can accept such greetings yourself. For me, I am a Jewish American…both parts of me are important, and I celebrate both of them. Anytime when you can be with friends and family, and have time set aside to enjoy doing so is important and the moment should be cherished.

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